The one thing that came to mind when I read this question is the feeling I had then I was raising my son. Once in a while and on a regular basis, I would see him as if for the first time (and in truth I was seeing him for the first time as he had never been "him at that particular time before"). And I was filled with the amazing mixture of pride, love and amazement at how cool this litle being was; that if I had not been his mother, I would so want to know him... and all with a retroactive gasp at thinking I may never have met him. I don't think there is a word for that!

Blessings!

Paloma

 

 

Ages since I wrote anything here since my life has been busy, busy, busy...

Right up above here is my latest photocollage and below is a Rumi poem that encapsulates what I have been going through in the last while. I realized that I am allowed and able to reclaim the beauty of love past, to let it sit in the center of my heart and radiate all around me... and it is exactly by following Rumi's advice that I got here (of course, I found the poem after the fact! Thanks Ricardo!):

 

 

Learn the alchemy

true human beings know.

The moment you accept what troubles you've been given,

the door will open.


Welcome difficulty as a familiar comrad.

Joke with torment brought by the Friend.

Sorrows are the rags of old clothes and jackets

that serve to cover, then are taken off.


That undressing

and the beautiful naked body underneath,

is the sweetness that comes after grief.

The hurt you embrace becomes joy.

call it to your arms where it can change.

 

A silk worm eating leaves makes a cocoon.

Each of us weaves a chamber of leaves and sticks.

Silk worms begin to truly exist

as they disappear inside that room.


Without legs we fly.


When i stop speaking,

this poem will close

and open its silent wings.

This was taking too much space on the front page so I am moving it here.. Nothing new yet but I am working on that!

 

 

I was born in France to an Italian Jewish and Egyptian grand-father (with some Greek and Syrian ancestresses as well) and a Corsican Catholic grand-mother on my mother's side... I'll give you a second to sort that one out...      there...     and a Roma father (also knowm as Gypsy for those who don't know) from Southern France whom I've never met.

I do relate to these cultures a lot and to being European in general in spite of having lived most of my adult life in Canada. You can take a gal out of Europe but you can't take Europe out of the gal! This means that there are certain aspects of Anglo-Canadian culture I will never understand (such as your dating protocol; what a weird beast THAT is!) but I love you all anyways!

I became a successful runaway at fifteen and never looked back. I had made a few previous doomed attempts (starting at the tender age of four) so you could have knocked me over with a feather when I turned eighteen and realized I had 'made it'!

I then had my son (the wonderful and talented DJ Deliverance!) when I was nineteen and spent all of my time with him (how fun that was... everything was alright with the world when he was in my arms). I had a very tribal way of mothering: I had a home birth, breastfed on demand and carried him around like a little monkey for over eight months... some ancient DNA alive and well in my body I'm sure.

When I got pregnant I made the conscious decision that if I was going to screw up raising him, I would screw up on the side of kindness as I felt it would be less damaging than the alternative. It was so very cool to be 'the parent' and be able to say: “Sure Hon you can ride your tricycle IN the house” and “sure, you can build a fort in the living room and live in it for three days, can I play too?”

The combined experience of building my sense of self as 'the kid' who hung out with much older people and being a real kid again (or maybe for the first time even) by hanging out with my son has stuck with me and I remain a kid to this day! But no worries, I have found the balance between being childish and childlike... and only throw tantrums very occasionally!

This also explains why I experience myself as very connected to my timeless/ageless being (anywhere between five and three thousand years old, mostly all at the same time!). I just don't buy into the accepted beliefs about age in this society; no... more than that: I refuse to age before I reach at least one hundred (I mean, it's so been done!). Let's say that when I turned thirty I realized this was not 'a phase'!

There is no bypassing the fact that I had a difficult childhood. So just to give you an inkling of an idea, one of my therapists once described it as a mix between ritual abuse and POW camp (I guess I had been 'minimizing' again!). On my following visit, I came back with: "You know, when you're in a POW camp, at least you know your family is on your side!"

That said, I had the good luck of spending the first seven years of my life mostly with my grandparents, my nanny and my sister (sans Maman as it were) and I would not be as whole without them. I should add to that list my little sister who came along in Montreal when I was 11 and my cat who was my constant companion for the first seven years. There was also an abundance of art, beauty, travel, good food and culture and that really helped... and I loved the Austin Minis mom drove when we lived in Paris!

I was born with an inner propensity for happiness so a lot of my childhood was 'normal'. I loved babies, nature, playing, singing, dancing etc. I was an active girl who was very much of a tomboy. I climbed trees, wrestled with boys and played sports. I loved my matchbox cars, collected bugs (live bugs that I released the next day!) and avidly read nature books. I also read poetry that I memorized for fun, learned to sing along to my favourite records when I was nine or so (the first song I learned was: "Ma liberté" as sung by George Moustaki) and took classical ballet lessons!

I once spent days on end watching a cocoon in the hope of seeing the butterfly emerge... I missed it! I also spent long summers in Southern France surrounded by lavender fields (and lavender honey!!!), the scent of wild herbs, the sound of cicadas and the magic of fireflies at dusk. To this day I very much enjoy being in my body and the sensual aspects of life, from dancing, good food, warm touch, skinny-dipping, lovemaking and drinking in the beauty of the world (best enjoyed when travelling)... I am convinced my hedonism has been my salvation. Who has time to be depressed when there are so many pleasurable experiences to be enjoyed!

As you can see I have not carried much of my past into my present (as Lhasa puts it: "J'ai un passé, mais j'm'en sers pas!" I have a past but I don't use it!) still, it has left its imprint in my inner landscape and I do share a special kinship with people who have suffered (especially those who are well into the healing process!). Lucky for me this includes most of the sensitive, intelligent and creative people I love to hang out with! La vie est dure pour les rêveurs...

I am often told that I am well adjusted "especially with the childhood I had". To which I answer that I was a pretty well adjusted child too (it's just the teenage years that got all buggered up!) But all kidding aside... I AM well adjusted but not well enough to have become boring. I skirt the edge as it were. One thing is sure though... when I do keep things alive, moving and interesting in my life or with my friends and relationships; I make sure it never gets toxic or destructive as THAT really bores me!

I am sharing all this because I feel that not enough people openly share experiences stemming from my kind of biography and also in the hope of inspiring someone who is struggling with similar issues. Remember: The only way forward is towards healing! So go to it!

Another side effect of my childhood is that I have developed a certain level of intensity (matching equal pain with equal beauty; it works!) and a wicked sense of humour. As anyone going through this kind of thing will tell you, laughing a lot and as often as possible really helps. As much as I can be funny to my friends, I know I am not as funny as others and I have a huge respect for comics, most of whom seem to have overcome some heavy stuff in their life as well (Richard Pryor being a good example).

I spent the better part of 1998 and 1999 being quite close with most of the comedy scene in Vancouver. Some of my local favourites are: Vince Flueck, Damon Schritter, Dan Quinn, Dave Nystrom, Richard Lett, Kevin Fox and JP Mass. Brent Butt has also been known to make me laugh when he hosted the Urban Well comedy nights. There are many more but I can't list them all. My favourites from childhood and beyond: Coluche, Raymond Devos, Fernand Raynaud, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks and more recently... Eddie Izzard. Actually, I think he may be my favourite ever! I love his amazingly creative delivery style, the anthropormophism and the cohesive intelligence that runs through all his material. He also says the most relevant things I have heard come out of a comic's mouth; I find his way of making points on religious/political issues especially effective because he never comes across as on a rant or dogmatic... Awesome! Deep inhale! (you'll get this if you've seen him... ) But I digress... where was I? Oh yeah! me...

I am also artistic, since being creative is another way to participate in life and to express all the beauty and intensity I feel on a regular basis. I sing, play Celtic percussions (not just to Celtic music), do visual arts (the collages on my profile are all mine) and write poetry... or poetic prose or something like that... I hate labels... I also love to dance and on top of the ballet I took as a child I have done a lot of African dance and then supported myself and my son by working as a stripper as I felt the easiest way to get paid dancing was to take my clothes off while doing so... but I didn't care... I was still dancing. I often used to ponder how weird it was to make a living enjoying my sensuality in front of mainly frustrated people! I have more recently connected with the Flamenco/Roma side of dance and realized that it truly is in my blood... That powerful DNA again!

Other insights about me in no particular order:

I now live my rebellion in a different way than when I was younger but the target is the same: the barriers people lock themselves behind when they could be building bridges. Anything to do with lack of warmth, pettiness of mind and spirit as well as heart...narrow-mindedness... all the Bushes and Cheneys in the world is what I strive to undo. What has changed is that I have turned my anger towards such things into love for all that is not them! Maybe one day I will be able to love them too. But don’t get me wrong, I am still “subversive” and fighting “them” (whoever the hell “they” might be) every chance I get! Usually by not just loving but empowering/nourishing/awakening all that is not them!

I speak four languages (Spanish, French, English and German). My Spanish is a little rusty but the other three are fluent. I also speak snippets of Gaelic and understand some Dutch, Italian and Portuguese. I love words, etymology and the unique twists and turns of thinking inherent in each language! I love to roll different sounds in my mouth and feel how words can have a life of their own; I am a self-professed word nerd and often work doing translations and copy-editing.

It took me a while to grasp the full depth of the English language. I remember trying to read Tennyson, Yeats, Donne, Lord Byron and Keats when I first learned English and my mind just kept glancing off the words; I couldn't get in there. It was so different from the poetry I grew up with (Rimbaud, Beaudelaire, Verlaine, Apollinaire). Over time I have managed to gain entry into the corridors, recesses and antechambers of the English language with its soft melancholy way with words and I have grown to love it. I have even memorized fourteen of Shakespeare's sonnets and I am wont to recite them to my friends any chance I get! You have been warned... Mwaahaha!

I am also very interested and active in more esoteric fields, which I have spent my entire life learning (or unlearning...) to perfect. When I was sixteen, I had an older lover who introduced me to Astrology, Tarot and Tantric practices in such a way that I couldn't brush them aside. I have since explored Energy, Trance and Shamanic Work. I am continually open to 'getting it' better and have gained a certain degree of proficiency in most of the above but as we well know, "in the place of the Spirit we are always at the beginning". I do not 'believe' anything specific so that new experiences can come along and broaden what I previously thought I knew.

When I was young and on the streets, there were many pretty shady occult guys who tried to get me in one coven or another (apparently I had 'gifts') but I felt that the best way to avoid going down the 'wrong path' was to let whatever gifts I had continue to work naturally as I was not sure my ego may not get in the way if I tried to harness them and turn the whole thing nasty on me... to this day I believe in just letting energy flow and letting life be. I am not much of a 'power over' kind of person and I am aware that whatever knowledge we manage to garner in our lifetime pales in comparison to the 'truth'.

The way I look at it is that if I came back in a body it's to live through it. I will transcend when I die and there is no need to live in denial of the physical and get all wrapped up in trying to eliminate desires and all that 'earthly' stuff. There is nothing wrong with desires in my book... we just need to, a) learn to manifest them, and b) not get too hung up on them (all at the same time!).

I am open to forever expending my experiences and mindset. That said, I feel that my life is pretty groovy and that I don't need much else except more friends with whom to share this most interesting and often heart-wrenching moment in history (I love my friends but there is always room for new ones); more opportunities to travel (anyone with a secret to teleportation to cut down on those pesky travel costs?); new adventures (c'mon, there's a whole world out there!) and maybe one day someone to share a 'perpetual engagement' with (I have no cute aside for this one; this is a whole new blog!).

Well that's all (!!!) I can think about right now… Oh… Did I mention I am a Gemini who loves to communicate (as well as ellipses, parentheses and exclamation marks!) but I have also learned to listen so now it's your turn!

Latcho drom


Paloma

Shit Happens!

Even though I am all for spiritual enlightment and open-mindedness (as I think it would be a shame to miss out on anything due to an unwillingness to say 'maybe') I do have an issue with some philosophies that seem to oversimplify the wondrous situation we find ourselves in. I mean by that being alive in a body and actively participating in this earthly plane of tremendous beauty and joy as well as unfathomable pain and ugliness (all at the same time).

I have a particular beef with what is being called New Age philosophy... well maybe not all of it but more specifically their idea that we manifest everything that happens in our life (and I do mean everything). Sometimes this belief comes along with an explanation that goes something like this:

"When you are between lives and you are getting ready to reincarnate, you go to a place where you meet all the people you will ever encounter in your next life and you all agree on what role you will play in each others' lives and you choose every event that will ever happen to you."

What??? Are you kidding me??? This idea is so moronic as to be insulting to every one who has had 'shit happen' in their life!

For one thing, if I could spend all this 'time' (in a dimension where time is said not to exist mind you...) discussing every single detail of my next incarnation with every soul I am to encounter and if the whole thing is plotted in details... why bother come back here at all? I mean we've just been through it so what's the point? Let's stay 'up there' and create more 'lives' together and do away with the whole messy birthing and dying bit... (I also assume that mass murderers and the likes of Lenin, Idi Amin and Hitler would have to spend a hell of a lot of time 'clearing' and 'planning' their actions with every single one of their victims!).

There are others who simply believe that we manifest everything that happens in our life simply because a part of us really needs/wants it to happen... What this theory fails to take into account is that there are around 6.5 billion people in the world who are all also manifesting their reality! Which means that some of these versions of reality do clash... which also means that for a lot of people... shit happens!

I do accept that I may have 'chosen' some elements of who I am simply through the evolution of my soul; I also accept that I do manifest certain aspects of my reality simply by aligning with what I truly want and giving it my energy and my 'juice' as it were, or simply by 'knowing' (as opposed to 'believing' as we only believe in things we do not know) that it is possible. But I cannot accept that I chose every single thing that has happened in my life. This would be tantamount as saying that I am the only one with free will in the world and that the world is only there to comply to my inner desires (conscious or subconscious). A rather egocentric and simplified version of life, I feel. Point is, other people have made their free will based choices and those choices have sometimes affected me... which translated in my life as... shit happened!

Trust me I cannot find any part of me that needs/wants Harper to be in power in Canada or the Bush/Cheney team on the other side of the border. I am also at a loss as to why I want/need the war in Northern Ireland and in the Middle East, the depletion of the ozone layer and the pollution of our water and air (just to name a few things). On a more selfish level I am sure I want/need travel costs to be a lot cheaper or for teleportation to be invented already (one or the other will do). I would also have long ago 'manifested' a man who would be willing/able to live a 'perpetual engagement' with me (this is my way of naming a relationship that does not fall into toxic behaviour) AND keep me interested!

The reason I am so irate about the whole thing is that I have had well-meaning New Agers tell me that I chose to be abused by my mother and: (this is a direct quote) "Can you believe the level of compassion in your mother's soul that she was willing to play this role for you?"

What??? Are you kidding me??? I am quite sure that if my mother's soul is capable of compassion it is probably weeping at the moment.

Like every one else in the world my mother had free will; she made her choices and being a loving mother was not one of them... shit happens! And I am sure that the lessons I learned through her 'shadow aspect' she would have been able to teach through her 'light aspect'... had she chosen to do so of course.

No. I believe (and I do mean 'believe' as I do not 'know') that as much as we may choose some aspects of our life, we then pass through the veil of incarnation and push against the dimensions of matter and time in order to evolve. There being no such thing as time and matter in the spirit or soul dimension, I feel we need these to grow... like a plant needs soil, water, sunlight and time.

We also come here to mingle and collide with the free will and energy of the billions of other people who are in the same 'cosmic soup' as we are... And as far as that goes, we either 'remember' something of who we truly are or we don't; we either choose to live a life inspired by a reality beyond ourselves or we don't... and we make our choices accordlingly.

One thing I am sure of is that all of us together certainly do make a lot of shit happen! Learning to deal with it is part and parcel of being here... Well, I will end this rant here as I have to go back to work since I have apparently chosen not to be independently wealthy this time around! Well not yet anyways...

 If there's something I've been told over and over, it's: "You're too intense!" One day, after having been told that for the one-millionth time, I wondered: "Intense! Hmmm... what do they really mean by that anyway?" What is the true meaning of intense, I ask? I turned to my trusty dictionary for clarification and this is what I found: "\In*tense*\ adj 1. Having great or extreme force; 2. Present in a very high degree; 3. Very strong; 4. Overpowering as in intense light, intense feelings."
Okay, let's check it out. 1. Having great or extreme force: well that can't apply to me, not physically anyway; I'm only five feet tall. 2. Present in a very high degree: Well, isn't that what we all aspire to be? You know! "Be Here Now" and all that stuff. I must confess that as much as I try to be present in a very degree at all times, I do occasionally lapse into a TV coma to watch "Jeopardy!" or "Trading Spaces", so this couldn't possibly be the definition that has won me the reprobation of my peers now, could it? ... Moving right along... 3. Very strong: Same as the first, though I wonder if inner strength is part of the picture? And finally 4. Overpowering as in intense light, intense feelings: Aha! I think we might be getting somewhere.
Let's explore this last definition. The idea of "overpowering intense light" evokes the image of something blinding, of an experience that exceeds the sensing capacity of the eyes. "Overpowering intense feelings", compared in the same manner, evokes an experience that somehow exceeds the sensing capacity of the heart. But how could this be measured accurately? It is relatively easy to gauge how much light the eyes can be exposed to before blindness occurs, but how can we gauge the feeling capacity of the heart? How would "heart blindness" manifest? What would it look like? Hmmm... Could it be that a "heart impaired" person, when faced with a high level of feeling intensity in another human, experiences a kind of inferiority complex? That, as they suddenly realize that not unlike the Grinch their heart might be a few sizes too small, it causes them to lash out with their "you're too intense" comment? Interesting...
What about the one who feels intensely, what's so terrible about that? Well, I guess that would depend on the feeling now, wouldn't it! I am reminded of a parable. A man goes to see a Zen master and asks: "How can I become a great painter?" "It's easy", replies the master, "to become a beautiful painter, first become a beautiful person... then paint naturally!" If we apply this logic to the subject at hand, we get something like this: In order to live intensely without going nuts, first become a beautiful person... and then live naturally! Then all you feel is intense joy, passion, tenderness, compassion, love, pleasure, and even a few splashes of righteous anger here and there just to keep you energized and on the path. Being intense is not the problem then, only what we're intense about.
So, here's a word to the wise, if you meet a "feeling endowed" person out there, do as I do and check out what they're intense about. If it's happy, dive in! You might just experience a heart expansion. And here's to intensity! I know that I won't apologize for it anymore and that I won't try to shrink my heart to please anyone. I'll stick with it and continue to learn to live with it... naturally!

 1- Some things to know about me...

... I save drowning bees.
I have an infinite capacity for joy.
I thrive on love, life and laughter.
I am not afraid of spiders and snakes.
I honor the spirit of animals.
I often drink apple juice out of the carton.
I sing and dance every chance I get.
I seek the beauty of each instant.
I dwell in spirit as much as I can,
I live in my body too.
I love eating with my hands.
I am forever awakening to the child within.
I like the wise woman too.
I love new horizons,
And the wild garden that is our earth.
I am not afraid of small animals with sharp teeth,
I am more afraid of the big ones.
I will try almost anything once,
Some things I will try twice.
I love utterly.
I am stubborn;
I am easy going too.
I call it "determined' and ‘flexible'.
I rescue worms that stray onto sidewalks.
I am deepening my capacity for trust.
I listen to the Universe.
I have learned to love my capacity for devotion.
I invoke Divine Silliness in all my rites.
I speak three languages,
I sing in six.
I find strength in being vulnerable.
I try to live at the meeting point of freedom
And surrender,
Of detachment and passion.
I manage okay most of the time.
I love to sleep outside,
Especially under falling stars.
I own my triggers.
I know that the only way forward is towards healing.
I communicate easily.
I am learning to ask for what I need.
I don't play games,
Except pool and backgammon.
I embrace sacredness.
I believe people are intrinsically good.
I know that darkness comes from wounded love.
I still hold people accountable for their actions,
As I hold myself.
I love sunsets,
I love sunrises too.
I fight for what I believe.
I never blow out candles.
I often hike in gypsy skirts,
I laugh when they get torn.
I am learning to accept my beauty.
I am grateful for the bounty of life,
And for love shared.
My songs and my dance are my offerings.
My heart is my favorite musical instrument.
Passion is my greatest teacher,
Integrity my surest guide.
I love to be touched and held.
I release easily.
I love all animals,
Except fleas and mosquitoes.
I give good massages.
I love moonrises
I have yet to see a moonset.
I have known moments of complete peace.
I pray with my body when I make love.
I dance to the song of the planets.
I know the Male is as sacred as the Female.
I don't do prissy,
Or tan lines...

2- Kindness

Watching the news, so many horrors everywhere
We forget...

Thousands of acts of kindness
Go unmentioned
Thousands of acts of kindness
Occur every minute of every day

They rise from our human hearts
A silent song louder than any hymn
And fill the space between our breaths...


3- Driving

Driving home from Vancouver
I know I will drive past you
Somewhere
In the vastness of the open landscape
I am dozing as we enter the valley
My daydreams send tendrils on ahead
Heralds of my impending passage
As we enter the village
Where you are staying
It is two forty five pm
I sit up
Wipe my eyes
Send echoes from my heart
Rippling back and forth between the hills
Like a bat scoping a cave
And then we are gone
My love is a red path
I paint behind us as we drive past
It swirls away from the cold road
And rises in the glorious winter sunshine
Towards you

 I mention in my bio that my main ambition has always been an inner one. What I mean is that I don't really care about getting "stuff" or about money or status. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be abundant enough to not starve in a wet and cold alley... but abundance is relative: when I was fifteen and a runaway in Paris, abundance meant having bummed enough money to get a baguette, a bottle of Orangina and a Boursin (herbed cream cheese) and then finding a spot to eat it somewhere along the Seine and watch the boats go by. Now it means having an appartment with a bed and a desk in it, a laptop with internet access, organic food to eat and stuff to cook it with as well as the occasional acupuncture session or eyebrow wax... Point is, I have always been more concerned about how I fare inside my head/heart/spirit than with any outer wealth. But I digress... Ambition.. I have another one that may seem crazy... but if you have read this much already, it probably doesn't matter anymore, so here goes!

My ambition is to maintain consciousness and full knowledge of this life as I move from this body into the next one. I know it has been done. I once read an article about a woman who had reincarnated in her village in India just so she could turn her ex-husband in to the police for having killed her in her past life. She was nine years old when she approached the police and gave them enough info to solve the then eleven year old murder; she even led them to physical evidence that undeniably tied her ex-husband to the crime (only in India would the police pay enough attention to get that far). Now that's determination! I also know that many Buddhist monks are aware of their past incarnations and recognize all their sacred objects and their friends (as well as the teachings!) as soon as they return to theis monasteries at the tender age of 2 or 3...

I have heard quite a few stories of near death experiences and I have drawn my own theory based on the divergent accounts I have been given. I am now enclined to think that we may not start our reincarnational path as fully integrated souls; that when a soul is young, it lacks cohesion and pretty much disintegrates into particles of consciousness after leaving the body and these then go on to form new soul entities... but after a few lifetimes (or hundreds of lifetimes, who knows?) the soul becomes more self-aware and retains more and more of its particles until it ultimately manages to retain complete cohesion along with full memory as it moves from one body to the next. Maybe immortality is more connected to attaining this state of conscousness than to keeping one body alive for all eternity.

So... I guess I have my work cut out for me... The main thing about this quest is that I have to at least find a way to remember the quest itself in my next life if I do not manage to fulfill it this time around! Hmm!

As for keeping my body alive as long as I can, I am working on that too... I really feel we can live a lot longer than we do now (think "Men of Numenor" in LOTR). So I am in no hurry to fulfill my ambition as I plan on being here for a long, long while yet...

By the way, the main reason I have for delaying the inevitable is not because I am afraid of death but because I am afraid of rebirth! It's amazing the hang-ups an abusive childhood can leave you with... I have finally fully recovered (well almost fullly...) from this childhood and I am not about to start all over again and entrust myself to another mother any time soon! Maybe I'll just have to pore over my future prospective mothers' resumes a bit better next time! One of my mottos is: "I intend to live forever, so far so good", and with my plan it seems like I might get there... one way or the other!

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